Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Feeling Gratitude

I think life moves in funny directions sometimes. It's quirky, it jumps and quivers unexpectedly, at unexpected moments...keeps ya on your toes.
As I paint, or play's like other peoples "Bathroom moments" where you claim to have so much time to think and be alone, undisturbed. This is what happens when I am 'in the moment' while doing something that soothes me in every way. My mind drifted to those moments everyone has ..when you KNOW something. Some people when asked "When did you realize you wanted to be a teacher?"
and the person always jumps in with something like "Well, when I was 3 I would Line up allllll my stuffed animals and dolls and have a 'school' session'. Or the Musician who knew when they started strumming on grandpas guitar at age 6, and on and on.
I've been fortunate in the sense, that my family tree is the one that looks like it's covered in melted crayons of every color, lots of artists, musicians, writers...creative souls in my family tree. So I guess it only makes sense that I 'swing in many directions'...for lack of better phrasing, haaa.
When I was very young I wrote little books. Stapled them together, put my name on the cover and of course had to write "ABOUT THE AUTHOR" sections. I would paste a photo of me, usually from my 'school photo', and make a little frame around it, and write something about myself... like
.......I started writing when I was 7, and I'm about to turn 12. I have had some experiences with..Blah blah blah!
So I guess there is one part of me that can say...OH I"VE ALWAYS KNOWN I"M A WRITER etc....

Like most kids, I drew...don't we all? But I took it a step further and as I began nearing Graduation, I got dEEp into my art, entered contests, did incredible detailed drawings, faces, details, shadows...things I can hardly imagine today, that I did then...I would like to get back into that!

Painting is new to me. I was always drawing in pencil or ink. On napkins, backs of envelopes, folders, walls, oh absolutely ANYWHERE I found a blank space.
Somehow there is a need to create in me.
It starts out kinda slow and heavy, it has a voice, it has a color and shape and it just breeds itself...multiplying over time, a few hours, a few days, a year....and then...something comes out.
A song. A painting. A story....and I've always done this. I never thought about, NEVER thought about exposing these things. These things I kept to myself. For one reason, they healed ME.
I wasn't the type to approach anyone with a drawing. I didn't show anyone my songs. I sang them for myself, I didn't want an audience.
Mostly I wrote though. I filled empty book upon empty book with poetry, lyrics, little stories, doodles and sketches. This is why i LOVE making the Blank Hand Painted Sketch Journals, because when I was a kid, had I seen an empty book with lots of white pages, and a cover that I could 'connect with' OOOO I would have bought that in a heartbeat.

When I was hanging out in Second Life (TM) with Cylindrian...she commented on a lampshade texture I had used. 'OMG Where Did You Get This Texture?" I told her it was from a drawing I did, took a photo of it and used it as a texture for a lampshade in SL. So I showed her the whole drawing, and she pretty much told me how much she liked it and why am I not 'showing' anyone my art?
Answer was simple to me then.
I never defined myself as an artist, or a musician, or a writer, until someone else saw it.
It's kinda like....Do you exist if no one EVER sees you? Well, yes you do, but not one has ever seen you, heard of you, contacted you, possible never new you....
If you do a painting and no one ever sees heals only you.
And that is what the whole purpose was behind everything I heal my self, to calm myself, to paint, to draw, to write, to perform, takes me to my own place, a place I can feel, let go, heal....
But Sharing it...well who would think? haaaa
and it is the greatest Pleasure EVER, to be able to express something, to others. To have a 'relationship' with those that listen....and to your own spirit.
Because if No one listened.
If no one looked.
If no one read.
I will...and it will heal me.
But since people do listen, read, and look...and's the blessing of it all, the biggest gift of all. It's that simple.
And I keep saying it to people...That Thing That YOU WAN T TO Do, you need to do it. The 'gift' you were born with, the sense that you have to paint something, have to create something, have to step out of the box and take a risk and start your own business, let people Hear your voice, let people Read What you write.

There are two ways to die....
Never doing what you thought you could have, never trying to write that childrens story, never opening up that cafe, never crossing the sea to see a different country,staying where we don't belong and not going where we do belong......that is one way. succeed, because you Did it, or died Trying :)

Self Portrait

Self Portrait
This is Not a Drawing