Things I will Bring into the New year

No more painted faces, no more sugar coated words. I hate sugar.
I like raw.
No more indirect comments.
I'm bold.
I like this.
No more ignoring my mistakes.
I like my mistakes. They're mine. I own them. They are powerful!
No more bullshit covered phone calls. I prefer just not to answer.

More laughter.
Why hold back?
More hugs.
They're worth ever squeeze.
More seeds to plant.
I like flowers, and I get great satisfaction watching them grow in my world.
More photos, less worrying about the light. Just DO IT!

Today isn't the first day of a new beginning.
Every day is the first day of the beginning.
You can't end something you never started.
Observation will get you everywhere,.
More doing, less talking. More action, less thinking.
Procrastination means not doing.

Last Minnesota Blizzard of 2008

If you haven't experienced the Blizzards, the one inch or more of white fluffy stuff per hour, then you probably haven't been to MinneSNOWta!
I know when the west coast gets this, they shut down. Drivers are restricted, warnings go out like red lights NOT to drive.
Here we go...this is Winter here in Minnesota! Canada, Michigan, Wisconsin, Alaska, Iowa....we're kind of used to this...
I won't drive in it. Don't be calling me if you drive into the ditch! You want to take that chance, you better have blankets and water, food and BOOTS packed with you, because you might have a long walk home! That is, IF you can walk home!
Can't tell you how many stories we hear on the news where someone 'thought' they could walk home, only to be blown off the highway by another driver who dared drive in it...or even worse, you die in your own back yard trying to find the front door during a white out....those are horrible!

2009 we're gonna bring it on with another 4-6 inches of snow today, and hopefully then...we are done.

The best thing though, is the Winter Thunderstorms. They're rare and they are beautious to see the sky light up behind big fat white fluffy flakes, to hear the th under and no rain falling...just the quiet silence of the flakey stuff falling from our Minnesota sky!

Peace to all and the BEST To you in 2009.
Bring in your Best Learned Lessons of 2008, into the New Year with you. And if you don't think you've made any mistakes, I bet your friends will tell you otherwise! (you can always learn from theirs too, because you know damn well when you make a mistake they are all saying "THANK GOD THAT WASN'T ME!"
More to come
peace
-Suzen

Happiness is Something To Look Forward To!

I'm not big on Christmas. I think it was more fun as a kid when I believed in Santa Clause, the Tooth faery, the Easter Bunny and all that other stuff.
Most of it is Media Hype to me, a bunch of blah blah.....I guess I see the whole "Holiday" thing, the same way I would see any other day. Go out of your way to make someone smile.
Always be thankful. Always be Grateful even when you convince yourself there is nothing to be grateful for...there is...there always is.
I once heard...
"Happiness is something to look forward to."
Reading that was like swallowing the universal secret...and Never have I forgotten that.
Every day I wake up, and the first thing my mind automatically does is grab onto what makes me happy. Could be the beautiful man next to me in the morning, could be a new song I'm working on, a new experiment artsy photograph thingie, or a new recipe I want to try out -like pickle recipes--droooooool----
And the Holidays
are hard for many people, difficult...especially when the Economy is dumping all over like it is.
But once ya quit stressin about all the media hype, it's a bout one thing "Love"...and seriously,
we should be thinking about that every day
not on Christmas.
Whether you believe the Jewish Holiday, the Christian, or just simply believe....or if you are just celebrating life and love....That's all that matters...
and this is something we should do every day...Wake up and do one thing....be happy.
So no matter what you believe
or not believe
it's Certainly Not my place to judge, and I really wouldn't care to anyway....Just have a wonderful Life...and bring in the new year the way you'll bring in every day for the rest of your life
....Just looking forward to anything....
Peace!!!

LastFm.com

Feeling Gratitude

I think life moves in funny directions sometimes. It's quirky, it jumps and quivers unexpectedly, at unexpected moments...keeps ya on your toes.
As I paint, or play guitar...it's like other peoples "Bathroom moments" where you claim to have so much time to think and be alone, undisturbed. This is what happens when I am 'in the moment' while doing something that soothes me in every way. My mind drifted to those moments everyone has ..when you KNOW something. Some people when asked "When did you realize you wanted to be a teacher?"
and the person always jumps in with something like "Well, when I was 3 I would Line up allllll my stuffed animals and dolls and have a 'school' session'. Or the Musician who knew when they started strumming on grandpas guitar at age 6, and on and on.
I've been fortunate in the sense, that my family tree is the one that looks like it's covered in melted crayons of every color, lots of artists, musicians, writers...creative souls in my family tree. So I guess it only makes sense that I 'swing in many directions'...for lack of better phrasing, haaa.
When I was very young I wrote little books. Stapled them together, put my name on the cover and of course had to write "ABOUT THE AUTHOR" sections. I would paste a photo of me, usually from my 'school photo', and make a little frame around it, and write something about myself... like
.......I started writing when I was 7, and I'm about to turn 12. I have had some experiences with..Blah blah blah!
So I guess there is one part of me that can say...OH I"VE ALWAYS KNOWN I"M A WRITER etc....

Like most kids, I drew...don't we all? But I took it a step further and as I began nearing Graduation, I got dEEp into my art, entered contests, did incredible detailed drawings, faces, details, shadows...things I can hardly imagine today, that I did then...I would like to get back into that!

Painting is new to me. I was always drawing in pencil or ink. On napkins, backs of envelopes, folders, walls, oh absolutely ANYWHERE I found a blank space.
Somehow there is a need to create in me.
It starts out kinda slow and heavy, it has a voice, it has a color and shape and it just breeds itself...multiplying over time, a few hours, a few days, a year....and then...something comes out.
A song. A painting. A story....and I've always done this. I never thought about, NEVER thought about exposing these things. These things I kept to myself. For one reason, they healed ME.
I wasn't the type to approach anyone with a drawing. I didn't show anyone my songs. I sang them for myself, I didn't want an audience.
Mostly I wrote though. I filled empty book upon empty book with poetry, lyrics, little stories, doodles and sketches. This is why i LOVE making the Blank Hand Painted Sketch Journals, because when I was a kid, had I seen an empty book with lots of white pages, and a cover that I could 'connect with' OOOO I would have bought that in a heartbeat.

When I was hanging out in Second Life (TM) with Cylindrian...she commented on a lampshade texture I had used. 'OMG Where Did You Get This Texture?" I told her it was from a drawing I did, took a photo of it and used it as a texture for a lampshade in SL. So I showed her the whole drawing, and she pretty much told me how much she liked it and why am I not 'showing' anyone my art?
Answer was simple to me then.
I never defined myself as an artist, or a musician, or a writer, until someone else saw it.
It's kinda like....Do you exist if no one EVER sees you? Well, yes you do, but not really....no one has ever seen you, heard of you, contacted you, possible never new you....
If you do a painting and no one ever sees it....it heals only you.
And that is what the whole purpose was behind everything I did...to heal my self, to calm myself, to paint, to draw, to write, to perform, takes me to my own place, a place I can feel, let go, heal....
But Sharing it...well who would think? haaaa
and it is the greatest Pleasure EVER, to be able to express something, to others. To have a 'relationship' with those that listen....and to your own spirit.
Because if No one listened.
If no one looked.
If no one read.
I will...and it will heal me.
But since people do listen, read, and look...and Feel...it's the blessing of it all, the biggest gift of all. It's that simple.
And I keep saying it to people...That Thing That YOU WAN T TO Do, you need to do it. The 'gift' you were born with, the sense that you have to paint something, have to create something, have to step out of the box and take a risk and start your own business, let people Hear your voice, let people Read What you write.

There are two ways to die....
Never doing what you thought you could have, never trying to write that childrens story, never opening up that cafe, never crossing the sea to see a different country,staying where we don't belong and not going where we do belong......that is one way.
Or...you succeed, because you Did it, or died Trying :)

Behind the Scenes....

Noooooo, not going to let this Blog go to the wayside and Rot. I promised myself I would commit to writing in it 'about' once a week, and WOW I think I have slacked off a bit.
The hands of life has twisted its fingers all through my hair, and yanked me into some other cosmic realm in the Universe, been there?
Another Twitter Artist, WilddogStudio gave me a link once to view this amazing "Steampunk Style Ring' and I fell in love with it. The site was amazing Etsy.com. About a week later my Soul Sistah Cylindrian Rutabaga aka Grace, told me about this site that I should ABSOLUTELY put my art on...."ETSY.COM"...well that got my seed growing, so I did...for the next week I messed around with the site, got a little familiar with it,
and planted several paintings, sketch book covers that I layered in Canvas and textured with various paints and colors....and LO n BEHOLD
I made some sales.
Surprised myself....I had no doubt that some might like what I do, and many would not.
But I never "expected' anything.
So far I'vemade 4 sales on that website and 4 others off the website.

I also released my CD This week "CERTAIN KIND OF MAD" and had a small pre release party at my LIVING ROOM #13 in SL, and an official 'launch' today at TRAX, thanks to Bones Writer for hooking me up with the CD Vendor etc!

Before that it was the CRAZY thanksgiving Holiday. My WHOLE Family came, including two gorgeous nephews who I absolutely ADORE, one who is in deep awe of my Washburn 6 String, he is 4 and he watches every m ove I make on that guitar
then imitates it...and he is absolutely 100% rockin into it!

I'm exhausted. I have hardly slept in the past few days. I take what Sleep I can get, but I think I have pushed myself a bit far, and now I really need to just kinda climb into my cacoon of NOTHINGNESS. However I am being tugged at the hair again
and I can again..feel myself heading towards another streak of madness.
I have no idea what will become of this one, perhaps nothing.
Right now, I can feel the weather of the soul, changing,
the creativity rising and falling.
Everytime I close my eyes I'm seeing vivid and brilliant colors and shapes dancing behind them.
It's a hell of a trip, but in the end
it's usually worth it.

BIG THING HERE...is all of you who have supported me, bought the CD, sent me encouraging messages, called me just to say hi and see how the world is spinning. All of you who are such Awesome Supporters of my music, my art, my many attempts at something..somewhat SANE, haaa!

Family is family....IS family.
Thanks :)

Meanwhile, back to letting the energy out of me, and into the Universe, because keeping it inside.....well it can make one sick...better to let it out!

The New Writing/Sketch Books

Something I've always found some peace of mind in, is art...and challenging myself to do things that are different, risking the 'ruin of a painting' in order to discover something Newer on the surface.
This book started out quite different, with the outline of a face, looking from behind rusted lines.
I had sprayed some protective spray on the surface of what I had done, and wanted to touch up one more thing, so I placed the small canvas I use to create some texture, onto the book...
forgetting for a moment that there was a light spray still drying.
So the small canvas stuck like it was attached to Super Glue...when it finally released itself from the cover, there were small tears and little rips, and to tell you the truth, I LIKED how it looked....
I let the book sit a few days before attempting anything else, then finally I ripped up some canvas into strips and squares and planted them square on the book,
molding them together to give the whole front cover of the book, a more rugged style look.
When I finish any painting, I look at it and ask myself
IF I WERE in some small cafe, or a book store and saw this...would I buy it?
If the answer is no, the book gets either revamped or tossed aside. If I say yes, well...then you see this!
I have a shop on ETSY.COM under the name Suzen JueL...Title of this Blog will have a link to it..
I put a lot of my spare time into creating...
or more like it finds me and takes hold of me to do something....
and whatever comes out, is the gift....and like I just mentioned....sometimes I like it, sometimes I do not, sometimes I would buy it (and don't even want to sell it) and sometimes I think..DEAR GAWD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!
I hope you enjoy the different flavors, textures and tones of this work, as I do.
Much Peace!
Now go check out the site, and peek around at all the other artists on it as well!

Universal Filters

I am convinced everything we say and do, somehow gets picked up, kind of like a filter online, that picks up just certain words and filters them through the right channels. For example:
I am in a cafe, reading a magazine, and notice a picture of a beautiful reddish gold sunset with two people drinking a specific brand of beer. For some reason the colors fit the Brand Name perfectly and it stoond out to me.
I close the magazine, leave the coffee shop thinking nothing of the magazine picture I saw, thinking nothing of even remembering it. I saw it, I liked it, I forgot about it.
Within a few hours, I am in a liqueur store, to pick up a six pack of Blueberry Lager, my favorite beer, and there is a coupon on the floor, that either fell from someones pocket, or from the bottle itself, of the beer I had seen in the magazine.

Last night, I was looking through a box of books my mom had brought over, books she's borrowed over the years, or ones she thinks I'll enjoy.
Herbal Books, my mom and I share all sorts of great herbal remedies (it's that Indian in our blood *Native American*) so we exchange those books, and various other books...But way on the bottom, I see "LEARN FRENCH" it is my 2nd year french book from High School. I couldn't believe she even had this book, this was .. well, MANY years ago.
Today, I click on a link of someone who is following me in 'Twitter"...the link brings me directly to a website geared towards something I was 'noticing'..."Learn French"... Now things like this happen A LOT, not just once in a blue moon. Something that I take notice to, or pay particular attention to, something I might talk about that I display a passing interest in, will appear again shortly after the initial thought, presenting itself again to me, as if to say "Hey....-ahem-...over here...LOOK!..i heard you were talking about french in your MIND!" it's as if there is a giant FILTER in the Universe, that filters out specific Observations and Words, Pictures and things you 'take notice too' even if you never give them a 2nd thought...the "Filter" catches it and presents you soon after, with opportunity.
I'm not going to pay to learn french again, but I will be studying it again. I won't be writing a book anytime soon, but I'm being presented with little opportunities to 'go in that direction'. It's that saying You think it, it will start to happen.
For the past few years, I've been heavily practicing the "Groove and Vibration" that what I begin to do, will begin to happen, and what I "vibe out'' into the Universe, will Attract to me, what I'm looking for.
I'm sure many of you have heard of the "Law of Attraction"...seems a fairly new concept, considering it's been around since time began.
Seems quite Logical, at least to me.
How the hell would most people get what they want in life, if the "Law of Attraction" wasn't true. You want a job, part time, in town.....eventually you find one, part time, in town...and it's not always EXACTLY what you asked for, but it's almost Unbelievable how Close it is to what you asked for, if not perfect!" Opportunities ALWAYS present themselves.
They don't always happen Exactly like you expect, sometimes there are Big Lessons buried in that awesome thing you wanted. But you always get it...in some form.
Perhaps you ask for a particular car, a certain model, a certain color, year etc......and maybe 3 months later, you get this car, a year older than you wanted, a slightly diff color, but you get it....it's not just that you got a CAR, it's that you got soo Close if not Right on, what you asked for.
It happens with friends, it happens with the lovers that pass through our lives, the friendships that come and go, the people we simply run into for a 1 min passing conversation, someone we see in a Social Networking group, a phrase someone writes, a painting we are attracted to, a song we relate too......it happens Every day, every second.

There are no accidents in life.
Everything has it's purpose, no matter how short lived, it was all for a reason. And I still believe somehow our thoughts, get 'filtered' and put through this 'web' in life, trickling down and sideways all over the Web Like Universe...and comes back to present itself somehow...letting you know, the Universe is listening to you...and that, well...it's pretty powerful, isn't it!

LaugH

the above photo .. I've always called her my niece, since she is about the age of most my nephews and nieces, but this is um.....
well, my Grandaughter and she is amazing! I guess it's worth it to kiss kids with colds!

OoOo Here it comes, the Holiday season has come upon all of us, in one way or another. For me it's Cleaning, and I truly Hate cleaning, and as I got on my hands and knees to spread that Murpheys Oil on the hardwood, BOY COULD I TELL I HATE CLEANING, it's been awhile.
I do the regular sweeup up the stuff, maybe spot clean a few spills from time to time, it LOOKS clean, but it's not....cuz underneath the stove, yeah....don't wanna go there, but did.
I washed all the hardwood, steam cleaned WHITE carpet...now this was a bad idea in the first place...I have 4 stepson, and when we moved into this house we were given the choice of All hardwood, All carpet or a mix...so we chose to have Hardwood in Living Room, Dining Room and Kitchen, but the steps and hallway among the other rooms upstairs have carpet, white carpet...with 7 years of footsteps on them from 4 boys (3 have since moved out)...a dog, 3 ferrets and then of course, Other Peoples little two legged Nightmares.
So the Point was to get as MUCH clean as possible, PLUS finish the art projects, get the new ones Started, try to finish the last 'tweeking' of the CD, and then....the next 3 days, it's Bright Smiling Chaos when my whole family comes here for the holidays, this includes my 2 Nephews who are still in the single digits and are the most curious, mind boggling, polite kids I've ever encountered.
It's always a sweeet deal to see my lil guys, and even better, the WHOLE family will be here, and You can not imagine how excited I am to see them, as there is a bond that just gets warmer and stronger each time we are together. Kids make me clean.
Kids are full of germs and it never fails that when I kiss my lil nieces and nephews or my lil grandaughter (no i'm not old enough, but the Universe gave me a beautiful one..how could i refuse?) I get the 24 hour cold, or worse, the one that lasts 7-10 days, and I HATE colds MORE than I hate cleaning.
I have been through the house several times with those great Clorox Disinfectants wiping the light switches, handles of the doors, the railing's for the stairs, every keyboard, mouse and desk, all handles on cupboards, the toilet handle, faucet handles....Oo yeah, I make sure no germs have a moments chance, because being sick means my voice goes to the Monkeys, and since that's my 'career' for the most part, I can't let that happen if at all possible...
Plus I'm a big baby when I get sick, yep, I'm one of those "I want my Mama here to make me chicken soup, and my daddy to buy me 'teen magazines and ice cream"...yeah when I was a kid, that made being sick...tolerable...So now I'm always wanting magazines (Psychology today is my fav...kinda outgrew the teen ones decades ago, haaa)
and 'treats'.
Ok so back to the Origin of this all.....
Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and my house is impossible to make spotless,
But I finished with the help of my awesome 15 yr old and his dad, the amazing dude I married....Now Today, I can almost relax...almost....I look around and see Painted Boxes all over my Living Room Coffee Table, and canvas's painted in various colors piled up against the window...I am an artist, my house shows it... And since all the colors I have used, it all actually Looks Pretty Good in the Living Room...
But I'll have to move them, into the Studio, which is like a small cluttered art gallery/ recording studio...
Various songbooks I've filled up over the decades, CASSETTE TAPES from way way back, Feathers from birds, dead sunflowers, bottles of various roots, oils and balls of hemp string fill up every space.
My art experiments fill the wall, hanging at diff angles, some on canvas, some on paper....This is where i STORE things haaaaa! And this is also where I work...my music, the 'set up' for broadcasting...it's a small space, but a very ambient and warm space and my lil nephews Love to come in here and talk in the mic or bang on the 'OTHER guitar' since I don't let them bang on the blue one too much,
Unless I"m holding onto them AND the guitar, haaa.
Am I ready? nope.
Am I in desperate need to see my family? yes.
Will they judge me on how clean my house is? nope.
Will they come here and have unforgettable memories? absolutely, no doubt, Yes! I guess the one thing important in all this.....Messy is fine, dirty is not.
(unless you're a dirty pirate W!)
Another Important thing...aren't we stressed enough in our lives, than to worry more about a spotless house then how wonderful it will be to be surrounded by what we love, or who we love.
It's all about R E L A X I N G! So do me one BIG favor?
Take 2 Deep Breathes, close your eyes, and no matter what.....relax.
For those spending the Holiday alone, be sure to enjoy every single thing you do for yourself.
For those Traveling, be safe, and use a hands free device, only idiots talk on their cell without one...The majority of all accidents happen because someone is distracted and thinks the same idiotic thing every time...."Ooo I'm ok, I can drive and talk at the same time on my cell'.... All I can say is Fool.
If you can afford a cell and a car, you can get a handsfree device, so do it.
And HERE IS THE BIG BIG BIG ONE L A U G H. . .
it relaxes us it destresses us it raises our spirits it heals :)

Painted Gift Boxes-Part 1 finis!

CLick the Title of this to see individual gift boxes-pricing

I have been quite busy lately to get these done Before the Holidays, and WOO I did it! Each of these boxes *Gift Boxes* is hand painted in deep, rich colors. Some of the boxes are painted on the inside as well and/or bottoms. Not all are painted inside. You can contact me for details. Clicking on the TITLE of this Will bring you to the site where you can see each box individually.
Colors may vary slightly.
7 x 7 x 3 inches, each box. Now that the holidays are here, you can use them to give your gifts, put your cookies in for the holidays, CD's, Teas, small coffee mugs fit in here, or little bags of coffee beans. Pretty Much anything, your dead hamster, small handguns, or make up! (gotta add my sense of humor, heh). I wish you all a Great Holiday, and I do hope to be mailing these out soon! Just give me your 'bid Price' and remember, there is only One of Each!
THANK YOU
-Suzen JueL

OooO the THINGS i Write about But Never Post....

...

Horton Hears a Who-One Laptop Holds a World

Virtual Cafe at FoxyFlwr's place, one of the Great Pioneer Musicians of Second Life...has taken a bit of a 'vacation' while exploring her world...was hanging out with her at her "Cafe"...I was momentarily fixated on the coffee cup on the table, near the laptop, just because it made me 'feel' that same feeling I would experience had I been at the Local Wi-Fi Cafe here where I live, those little details are what really make the Virtual Experience something that from time to time, I can lose myself in.
Most of us have had the experience of being in a cafe, with people at various tables, laptops propped up, their favorite hot beverage near them, pondering...thinking. Thing is...I used to walk in Cafe's in Minneapolis, or any other city, and see people engaged in chess games, poetry, long conversations about politics, or music, poetry or the local town gossip. Now I look around and see people quietly sitting, engaged in deep thoughts as they look lovingly at their laptops.
However in Second Life (tm) it's a rare site, to see anyone engaged heavily with a virtual laptop, in a virtual cafe, although it's happned, it's rare and it's usually for the Visual of the 3D Experience they are immersing themselves in.
In Second life, we are already Immersed in our laptops/pc/mac...and experience the virtual world thru our 'device of choice'...why would we need to go back into a Virtual Laptop....it would be like standing in the mirror, with another mirror facing that mirror and seeing the Long hallway of endless identical images.
Fun as an experiment, leading no w here.
We ARE immersed in Second Life, engaged in Conversations via Voice Chat, or of course the good old fashioned Text Chats and group chats.
We are surrouned with Virtual Avatars, each one respresenting someone, somewhere else in the world. Long distance, real time conversations with friends from the UK, from Australia, from South of my Mid Western town, to North...Global.
Each avatar representing a different perception on the experience, new shared information on culture, engaging conversations about Politics, while we grab our virtual latte's and carry on lengthy conversations about topics of interest, share ideas, and for us Artists and Indie Musicians we are collaborating on a Global Scale of ideas, and even performing together, from opposite ends of the world.
yeah...the Real Life Cafe's seem to have the lonely feel of quietness, a dozen people in one room, all engaged to a Laptop...but, perhaps they are engaged in a whole world, immersing themselves in multiple conversations with people in places they'll never go, reaching out, networking.
remember the movie by Dr Suess? Horton hears a who?
one little flower at the end of the Elephants trunk
encasing an entire universe.
one little laptop
holds the world.

Burns

B U R N S
11 8 2008

It's sickness like a rock, sinking painted black
it turns like molten lava
it thickens as it turns
expanding into more sickness...
and they wonder what it's about
and they don't understand what that feels like
shove it all down
swallow it with something sweet
the cold ale of darkened crimson
the kind one would find beneath bare feet in the forest
where something bled
and something died.

It's sickness that burns
and the lining of my instinct
and the edges of my intuition saturate themselves in it
and I can 't get rid of it
it blurs the lines of what is and what was and what comes
it's perception with a cracked lens
it's depth where there is no bottom.
Because of it
the walls are closer than I had thought
doors are further than my hand reaches
windows are higher up above my eyes
and I can't get out into the world
because my eyes won't reach the wooden pane of the glass.
Without it, I might be free.

Quote from Michael on myspace.com/7juel in comments

"Here's to the crazy ones.
The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them.
But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things.
They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.
Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. "

Painted Portrait

It was a long weekend at work, which actually gives me a lot of free time to work on art, among other things. So I packed up my giant basket of paints, brushes, oil pastels, charcoal etc...
One of my co-workers came in for a bit on Sunday, and saw that I had all this 'art stuff' spread out over the large dining room table (just like at home haaaa) and she wanted to draw leaves. Meanwhile, she was looking over some photos I had done, and drawings, and commented on a certain photo (on my space page) and I was telling her how I wish I could Paint, ACTUAL PICTURES! Cuz I really do more abstract kinda things, or I do a lot of Ink/Tattoo type drawings. So she said "oooOo You could SO do that!!!" and of course, I said, nooooo..
WHY?
Because I hadn't challenged myself in DECADES to ever paint like that.
So I felt challenged, I LOVE a good challenge, a good Healthy one...so I put the photograph up in front of me, mixed some colors > > > > > > > > > > > > > and This is what happened.
I like. I'm often a hard critic on my own work, whether it be lyrics I write, chords I play, I'm my WORSE Critic and often feel Like anything can always be better, and of course ANYTHING can always be better, there is always room for improvement, no matter what we do. I finished about an hour or so later....and this is my final result. I absolutely am grateful for the positive feedback I have received from the small handful of people that have seen this. Now of course, you can expect MORE in the 'realm' of new art...since I have discovered, with the right stuff, I can do things I hadn't challenged myself to do in many years if not 'decades' and NO i'm not THaT old, but yes, I am wiser in my years of experience! haa
Thanks for visiting my Blog, and a lil prelude to upcoming things....in Second Life (tm) My CD should be ready soon, and I have a surprise for anyone that wants to order the physical Cd...i'll tell you that when it's in the 'works'.
Peace n Love n Stars :)

It All Started with a Green Teapot

"Why do you put the red pillows on the red sofa, and the blue pillows on the blue sofa?"
he says "Because that's how it's SUPPOSED to be?" So I asked "Who says? The Catalogs at the store? The people on T.v?" and he replies, "No, when you Buy it, that's how it comes!"

To me this is perfect in describing how most people follow most people. They decorate, they act, they buy what they're supposed to by. Why would you put the blue pillow on the red sofa, and the yellow chaise lounge pillow on the blue sofa, and why wouldn't the red pillow look good ON the yellow chaise lounge? So with No hesitation at all, I marched my 5'2 self over to the red couch and put one of it's brilliant red pillows, on the blue couch, and took the blue pillow and put it on the bright yellow chaise lounge, and took the bright yellow from the chaise lounge and put it on the red sofa, and YEAH my eyes are now free....as before they were locked on each piece of furniture, no 'flow' no 'traveling' for my visual bliss, no Movement in the house...NOW there is movement.
The next 2 hours were spent with hubbie and I moving from place to place in the main rooms, and re arranging the plants, and all of it with the art, talking art, drawing pictures on the thick textured paper that I sprawl out all over our dining room table....
The paper was that 'impulse OMG I NEED ART" type thing that randomly happens...planning on spending a few bucks turns into a bit more once I hit that art store...just a few things.
Then it was the 'regular shopping'..this is where things get dangerous....Now I try to be good when I'm in stores, but I get sooooooooooooooooo distracted by ALL those colors everywhere, everything screams LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!!
Hubbie grabs this giant Green tea pot...because he is determined to find a way for me to get rid of my very cute, very small, NON WHISTLE blowin Thrift store tea pot. I LOVE that teapot, was only .50 cents and it worked fine..it boiled water...just didn't whistle.
And being the Big tea drinker that I am...OooOooo Yeah! He holds it up, and looks at me..."We should get one."...well who am I to say no?
Now...
in my world, this means....WOOO we can do a lil Impulse buying? Of Course....I didn't say this out loud, I just figured it's better I let it slide, and just kind of let it happen from there...ya know? once in awhile just 'throw something in the cart'..lil things, things he might not notice right away. So he says "I'll be right back, gonna go check out the Movies'...this is his Favorite part..so he goes and leaves me in the OMG I NEED it all isle....
Towels, thanks giving is coming...my Whole family will be here, and we should really get some new towels, and what about dishcloths, i NEVER do dishes, I have a dishwasher, and IT does the dishes...but Thanksgiving time, well...mom LOVES the kitchen, that's where people end up 70% of the time in my house or my mothers or my sisters....we cook our senses in each other, sip coffee, drink great red wines, laugh, and do our silly things..while the DUdES seem to gather round that dining room table and talk Sports or whatever it is guys talk about....So I'll need dishcloths and towels in the kitchen, and of course that great blue kitchen rug, cuz it just POPS with the other colors in the kitchen, ... like that awesome Green Teapot!
And....and...and UT OH
hubbie comes back and my cart is jammed high with blue and green towels, rugs, and I forget what the hell else I had in that cart, but the moment I turned my head as some brilliant color Screamed at me from one of the shelves...it was gone. I still had the great lil rug (hell it was 5.00 and Beautious!) and the oven mits..which i also do not have, because i take everything out of the oven with the cuffs of my shirts, they are always a bit long, and make perfect pot grabbers for hot dishes in the oven...but my mom doesn't necessarily wear super long sleeves like I do, haaa...so I had to have those too.
We spent a bit out of the budget, and of course, put things back as we went along, laughing as we found something else that 'fit'.
Then it was time for a the home department, plants, plant holders, ettc..some of our Summer plants have taken residence inside now, for the winter. St. Johns Wort, lemoney herbs that Bulge out of the tops of their planters and we found this great tropical plant, a "Corn Palm" i think, looks like a lil palm tree..tipped over in the dirt, about 70% off it's regular price...I walked by it and said "I can revive this one'' so we rescued it and took it home, repotted and put in this brilliant blue planter....
The teapot has it's place on the stove, the Corn Palm has a new home, and we drew a picture that a 5 yr old would be PROUd to hang on the fridge!

1993 Suzen Kay

Back in 1993 I was in the peak of my 'so called music career' opening up for entertainment that came rolling through Minneapolis, playing all the local venues from lil cafe's to large venues with big stages. For awhile I had a band, but mostly I was solo.
I went under the name Suzen Kay.
When my 'Papa Jule' passed away,
I changed my name to Suzen JueL, to honor him.
This is the man that gave me the gift of music.
My whole family was pretty creative and crazy,
always singing something,
Papa would bring out his harmonica,
my dad would slap on the Spoons,
my gramma would grab the old Washboard,
my lil sister and I would get papas black combs with wax paper over them and we would blow and hum into it and make a funny kazoo type sound.
We would sing and dance and laugh for hours.
My papa
passed away of Alzheimer's about 10plus years ago, and since then I have been known as Suzen JueL.
My family was supportive and my grandma was thrilled when I told her this...
after all, my Papa Jule gave me my first guitar,
one he had handmade the year I was born...although it was by pure curiosity that it ever ended up in my hands.
I was all over in things as a child,
always going into Papa's attic and digging around,
looking at all the cool stuff they had in there.
WAY on the bottom of a pile of books and suitcases was this old black case....I pulled it out a bit further and once I saw what my little hands had come upon...I yanked it out, opened it up and saw this very small Classical Guitar with a wide neck and nylon strings.
I ran downstairs "PAPAAAAAAAAAAAA" and showed him the guitar,
as if it had dropped from the heavens.
My eyes Wide and Wild, my Papa smiling, he knew what was coming and without hesitation gave it to me.
I was about 11 or 12, and decided to take lessons. That didn't last very long at all, I was a terribly shy kid and my guitar instructor wanted me to sing "Delta Dawn" while I played it on my guitar.
I stopped. I looked at her..and asked "Are you serious? You want me to Sing?"...and as if it was just like making toast, she said "well, yes''.
I stood up,
I put my guitar in it's case,
and I walked home.
No Way!!!
SING? haaaaaa!!!!
I couldn't even SPEAK in front of people, now you want me to SING? nope.
I bought some books with guitar chords in them and spent hours in my room, learning the chords, singing and writing songs.
That was the greatest gift I could have ever had.
It gave me strength, it gave me courage, to know I could actually Create Music!
So, that is the story of Suzen Kay/JueL...that is why I am what I am, because it's not just me that makes me who I am, it's those that influenced me, it's those that had so much faith in me, it's those that encouraged me to actually Pursue what they knew was my Desire, my Need in life.
Coming across this old poster, from the days when I performed all over the Twin Cities, brought back SO many memories, so many good ones.
I was fortunate to have been able to perform with such talent in the Twin Cities, and Attempt to get over the 'stage fright' to be able to Express what is in me and make sense of it, through words, through music, through expressing, that's what it's ALL about to me, Expressing what is inside...
and sometimes, people relate, and sometimes they don't.
It doesn't really matter to me who understands or doesn't...it matters to me, that I Expressed something that was in me, got it out of me and shared it....that's what my Papa Jule did.
With his hands, his creativeness he made a guitar, he passed it to me...along with SO many other things.
He was also an artist, he painted, he drew, and he made things, great things.
My Mother (my papa Jule's daughter) also paints, she writes, she plays the keyboard, the banjo, the guitar, and the accordion...
Gifts get passed, and each generation takes it in a new direction.
My fathers side of the family (French) also has quite a few amazing talents in it...artists, performers.
Gratitude for these people in my life, all of them...is magnificent and unforgettable.

PackRat n Love Songs

My husband did the best thing he could have done...he cleaned the house over the weekend, while I was away, and FINALLY I was motivated to do my own cleaning. I have BOXES still unpacked from our Big Move SEVEN years ago. So finally I began sorting through some of them, trying desperately to get RID OF THINGS THAT I NO LONGER USE...not sure why I save things I never use, like old folders from back when I worked at Time Warner, or magazine clippings, or Ralph Lauren catalogs. I don't need this, but that lil Pack Rat in me saves Everything!
There was this great box full of old scrap papers with various patterns on them, lil plastic bags of red flower clippings, music sheets that I never used, since I'm quite uncertain on how to read or write music...the Proper way...I just write my songs, draw pictures of the chords, so I remember what I was doing.
Tucked in between those folders of magazine clippings and torn out pages of perfume samples, and under countless books I filled with poetry and doodles, odd drawings and bizarre dreams, is this little piece of paper...kinda stopped me dead in my tracks...with little notes penciled in and a scratchy written title "My Name is Susie!!!' yes THREE exclamation points..because apparently at that age, I was VERY DETERMINED to let people Know My Name. I think I was about 7 or 8, not sure.
Even funnier
on the backside I wrote my babysitters name and her boyfriends -Cindy + Ron FOREVER...Susie+___ FOREVER and my sisters name and her 'boyfriend' FOREVER...because FOREVER is a serious thing when you're Seven!
This was probably the funniest thing I've seen in years, perhaps being a Packrat Paid off :)

After 2 years-SLCD Time

Second Life(tm) has been an amazing foundation for creating a virtual world where musicians and artists from all over the world, can collaborate, share their experiences and help each other with those improvements that everyone could use from time to time.
It's also a platform for those who want to take their songwriting and performance to the next level, a chance to 'test the waters' and feel out the new song before you actually place it on that CD, and get some feedback with those new lyrics, or ideas for some new Cover Art.
There is a Global Outreach if someone wants a great photographer, or a genius at Scripting..or someone who can Terraform the land, build a wonderful build...who just happens to be on the other side of the world...Second Life(tm) brings the Whole World together on one grid,
with over 65,000 active users at any given time,
how can one NOT get support or find people that need their support!
And thanks to some great minds...great things are happening and have happened and continue to happen.
Thanks to technology, many have come up with ways for Musicians to sell and distribute their songs, or CD etc...and most will take a small percentage of sales, nothing more than anyone else would, it remains competitive.
Soooo, a Musician Friend of mine, Tukso Okey, brought me to this amazing Sim with these Listening Booths All over with various musicians on each one...each one plays about 3 songs by the musician who's 'booth' you happen to be standing in.
There were people all over going from Booth To Booth listening to the various songs by each artist.
Tukso showed me the vendor he had, with his CD on it, in it's entirety, instead of just one download at a time. Not that this is new in SL, because it's not...but the combination of many listening booths...and I'm talking A LOT of them with the ability to check each artist (who chooses to rent a booth) and the CD Vendor, the Radio, the ability to listen to the music YOU want to hear, anywhere in SL, and share it with others.
Now YES we can do this with 'radio streaming' and our own streams in sl....but I like the idea that my fans, and many fans of many musicians can share the music they like with others in more than one way, and I like the idea that People can just Download my CD from SL, right to their media player.
Each 'booth' gives a the listener a chance to sample 3 songs, and/or purchase the CD right at the Booth, plus the Musician gets an amazing looking small simple vendor, that looks like a CD Booklet, which the musicians fans can click on, and purchase the CD,
which they can put directly onto their hardrive and also listen to in SL on their Land or as they explore through SL.
It truly is an incredible Sim and Bones Writer is the Man behind the Scene here...very pleasant to work with, very professional and well seasoned in what he does, as he too is a musician and knows those lil bumps in the road we encounter from time to time. So, within the week, mine will be up and running...
Now I've had this idea of a New Cd for a couple years now, and most of my longterm dedicated fans know the crummy system on that.
They would pay through paypal, wait 2-6 weeks and then get my cd. Since most of my fans are Overseas, it would take especially long to get to Germany or London or Australia. Even Canada took awhile to receive the CD they ordered from me.
THEN I put the 're release' of Without My Wings on iTunes, and that took 6 weeks before it went up on the iTunes page, Rhapsody, Amazon......but it was worth the wait...especially for those outside of the SL Grid.
But to have the option to put the CD's on the vendor...right in SL, where the base of my fan group is...is an opportunity for so many musicians...of course, Quality of the Recording DOES MATTER, and being original DOES Matter..selling a CD with someon else's songs on it, well that's just not cool or legal (unless you have permission of course).
So after making several CD's and mailing them in those yellow envelopes with 3$ worth of stamps on Each one, and doing that over and ovr again....well it was hardly a profit for me, but it was definitely an experience. And some of my fans know...I can be a lil SLOW on actually MAILING things, haaa...That is why I'm thrilled to my toes about the vendor, and by next week....I will have my first SLCD available to the SL Fanbase.
The songs, will be songs I've written over the course of the past year or so, and are largely based on personal experience both in and out of SL.
I have had some amazing experiences with some amazing souls, and then I've had some Bad Circumstances as well.
The only way to heal fully for me, is to paint it out, write it out, sing it out...so that is what I did. I will be choosing about 10-15 songs based on the past year or so...of course I won't be putting them all on one cd...I'll grab the ones that felt the best to me, and the ones I feel I've had the best response from, as far as my fanbase goes...
You All Know Who You Are and my fans are such an inspiration to me!!!!
I'm quite open with hearing their feedback on What Songs ROCK YOU!
What songs make you go BooOoo! haaa and so on and so on...it's a crazy world eh?
SO I ask again.....if you are in SL you can just Message me there....or you can comment here....
What are your favorite songs? What ones inspire you? What do you want to hear more of?
and the list goes on......What ones would you like to have on your ipod, or Media Player or CD?
Now listen close when you hear me sing
Cuz if you Really like something....I love hearing it, and I can never hear enough Good.
I grow from it, and then I give it all back in any way I can...paint it, let someone vent, help someone else...and of course
the hardest thing
letting others help me, when I fall down....(don't ya HATE that part? haaa)
I'll close on this......and always always always
Say my name
shout me out
write me down
....make some comments....send some good Karma, and this world....well...it just keeps spinning same as always.
peace all! Much Love n Peace and Pretty Stars!

Ahhhtumn

Today took my breath away. I bring my camera just about everywhere I go, and often take shots right out of the car window...my husband was driving and the beauty that surrounded us was impossible to ignore. I rolled down the window and aimed my camera out, clicking everything. I'm not looking at anything when I'm shooting these pictures, I just click until I get home...300 Photos later!
This one was one of my favorites, we live north of Minneapolis, and the colors of the seasons have hit us this year with an amazing display, and I can hardly stop talking about it.

By clicking the picture, you'll be taken to my Flickr Site, where there are A lot posted in one of the Collections, called Autumn. It is by far the most amazing Fall I've ever seen. Today was about 70 degrees outside, and everything had the most wonderful smells, the wind was warm off the lakefront as we drove and the smell was that of heat and indian summer, decaying earth. Really gets me thinking, how Beautiful the death of our summer is...it leaves with an incredible beauty, something we only see for a couple weeks a year, and then it's gone, then the trees go bare, and the grass goes dry and brown.
Today was overcast, my favorite kind of day to take photos, there is a certain ... almost eerie quality to the landscape, but something so amazing and beautiful. How that life leaves us, as if screaming in those radiant reds and golds, the kind of Autumn yellows that make it appear as if the sun is shining, when it's not.
When I was young I used to say how I wish I could have one of those Brilliant yellow Trees in my yard, all year around, so when the sun wasn't out, it would give me the illusion that it was. There is No time of year that is as powerful to me, as Autumn...
Spring is amazing with the new fuzzy life it bursts up from the earth...and summer is water, swimming and thunderstorms....Winter is so bare and cold it makes me want to hibernate into a sunny haven somewhere and never set my eyes on the bareness it offers. The beauty of bare trees, black against white snow will always stir up handfuls of emotions...but the Brilliant reds of autumn, the way the sun seems to almost burn the color right into the leaves, leaves me speechless...my camera doesn't do it one bit of justice.
All I have is a 3.2 Megapixel Camera, and it appears to be my biggest Challenge to take a good photo with this camera. (if anyone has a great camera they don't use....I'll be more than happy to take it off your hands!!!)
It saddens me to think.....any morning now, there will be a hard frost on the ground...we've come close, and my Basil has died, but my Oregano has done absolutely fantastic! Our garden in the back yard, looks haunted and aged, the corn stalks all yellowed and dry, tomatoes covering the ground, the cucumber patch is all yellow and wilted, and one big orange pumpkin still sits in the sun, absorbing these last days of the warm weather.
Feel free to go to the Flickr Page and check out some of the other photos...there are several collections, including art, live music, and photos of the most amazing time of the year to me.
So for us here in the midwest, our winter approaches, and in Australia, spring is coming...and that blows my mind, how things come and go, at different times for different parts of the world.
Feel free to share any photos you may have, of your part of the world...what's going on in your back yard?
Thanks for reading :)
-Suzen JueL

Ordinary Lie

So ya bit the Buddha hanging around the neck of temptation...and you thought about it, and then you wrote about it. You put the whole truth out there, laid your cards on the table, and they turned their heads, so afraid of the truth.
And no one really knows, but you.
So you move on, you swallow your poison and thank your stars, you never gave him the
time.

Ordinary Lie

well i sat up straight and tall
i was tryin to take it all...inside
i saw you walk away
you were askin me to stay...that's not my style
but you got somebody else
and you put her straight thru hell...that ain't right
well ain't she lucky..that i never gave you..the time

i saw it clear as day,
how you turned yourself away, from your light
ain't nobody talkin about
the things that you said last night
now you're back where you belong
but your heart keeps feelin wrong...you can't hide
you ain't nothing but an ordinary lie

you were tellin me you had it all under control
there's nothing i believe
and you watch me slowly leave
i'm out the door
but you were thinking about
how you had it figured out
A in your mind
and there ain't no way
i can live with
an ordinary lie

so keep on moving on
take your woman in your arms and thank your stars
cuz time has a way
of healing all those ordinary scars
people take their chances
life is full of circumstances, we cant' hide
but i can't live my life, with just an ordinary lie
you just count yourself lucky that i never gave you the time
ain't she lucky that i never gave you the time

Some Call it Faith...

When it comes to "Religion, or God, or Jesus'' or all mentioned, or none mentioned...
that's basically the bottom line.
Grew up Catholic,
get on my knees to pray,
hold the rosary,
wear that paper picture of Jesus with the Burning Heart of Thorns around me neck,
in case I died in my sleep...I would go to heaven.
Went to a Catholic School, and in my later teen years, decided to join a different Church, of hard core Bible Thumpers, we handed Jesus out on the Street at AC/DC concerts, yeah I'm sure we annoyed everyone, but I believed what I was doing was what I wanted to do.
Nothing lasts forever,
some Huge changes took place in my life and I moved into a whole new direction,
very uncertain of where I was goin...I love KNOWLEDGE, and I love the freedom to choose,
whatever seems to 'grasp me'....thing is, I read about Everything! Atheist, Agnostic, Buddah Views, Catholic Views, Tarot, Astrology, and on and on the list goes.
I loved seeing it all, and realizing, no matter what 'direction' people followed, no matter 'what group' they associated with, they all had one thing in common....
Knowledge.
And many of them believe their way is the RIGHT way.
See that bothers me
I'm not God, in fact, as far as I know, no one has had a direct conversation face to face with him/her...and no one has died and a year later, came back and said HEY!!! IT"S TRUE there ARE Pearly Gates,
and my friend went to THE Burning Pits of HELL because they didn't Believe.
Nor has anyone come back saying "Yes there is an 'afterlife'...trust that. I
N fact...science has done many studies,
because it would be nice to PROVE it was all real....or even Disprove...just so that SOMETHING was proven!!!
One thing that came up that I read years ago, was how our Brain works when in 'death' and moving into 'death'...lots of chemical changes,
we see lights, we feel a sense of peace....
it's a science, Wish I could remember where I read it...but I'll google things and get much info...anyone who Googles, gets lots of Information.
I'm all for FAITH, in fact, I wish I had that FAITH I once had....but...
I don't,
and tried as I have to believe in something.....I don't quite believe in the whole Religion thing.
I believe there is SOMETHING behind it all, but I don't necessarily have a name for it.
I believe Jesus Existed, but that's as far as it goes.
He was an INCREDIBLE man, and also a HUMAN man.
And his 'followers' wrote great things of him, but he did not.
The Catholics removed about 12-13 books from the Original Writings of the Bible that the is put out to read, and believe ONLY what is written,
but what about what was not 'for our eyes' because those that put the pages together, didn't really LIKE the other books,
they contradicted this and that and this and that. Again, GOOGLE is your friend to research with on this one.
Bottom line
I'm not against the FAITH that people have.
In fact I think it's an amazing thing. I'm not against those that have no Faith in what other faiths tell them IS RIGHT or IS WRONG.
I don't believe in Hell,
I believe in RIght and WRong, because I'm a human being and It's not my intention to go around Harming people.
MOrals and Values are top to me.
I don't believe in anyone at any time shoving their personal faith in my face,
because they are determined to 'Save My Soul'...
I don't believe in Judging others based on what they believe or what they Think.
Keep it away from me if I don't ask for it.
Don't Sell me your Jesus, Don't Sell me your Personality or your Faith...
just be you,
cuz i like ya that way.
I think the mOre we Know....yep...the more we Know.
I think NOT to hear lots of perspectives is a bit selfish.
If you wanna talk about what you Believe, then be an awesome listener on what The Other Person Believes...
We're all threads in one big Tapestry,
All diff colors in the Big Stained Glass WIndow of LIfe.
We are all beautiful, no matter what we struggle with, believe, or don't believe.

My mom once said to me
THERE iS NOTHING WRONG WITH WHAT YOU THINK
it's what you DO with those thoughts that make them Right or Wrong.

We have a sense of right and wrong...not because it's the 10 commandments,
but because we have a sense, or right and wrong.

There is a LINK on the side of this webpage, under LINKS Of Interest...called Agnostic.
I like how Wikpedia explains such things.
Much Peace...
We are all Entitled to Believe what we want...
No one is to be judged because they believe something different.
IT's bad Karma!
Focus on your path...cuz whatever path you choose, it's because you Believe in it.

Check out new original song "Jesus Was a Monkey'' http://www.myspace.com/7juel
a lil insight to what I'm writing about....the thought has spun....

Emotion

Back in August of 2007, I went through some pretty major changes, and had a cool opportunity to play some great Venues in Wisconsin. On this particular night, I had met the Awesome Ham Rambler of Blarney Stone (Second Life*tm*) What an awesome Guy! He came to see a short Acoustic Blues set I had done at Blue Moon, in Oshkosh...It was a lil difficult for me to post this one, back when I did, because I am a rather Emotional Performer, it's not unusual to feel the songs I perform, as if the events that sparked them are just as real to me then, as they were when I wrote the lyrics. In fact, it was difficult simply to perform and try to keep my face 'normal'...finally I said FK THAT! When I perform, it's all raw, it all comes out the way it does, the emotion of the song, is always great...it's easier to do a song that I feel and take those lil risks of having the emotion seep out all over, than it is, to hold it inside. I believe what makes Music, is the emotion in the song.
An actor must go into role, to feel the role they are playing. Being an artist, I find that often I go right back where I was when I wrote the song, and when the song is over....usually I'm right back in present moment again. Snapping right out of the 'rawness' of the song, into the present moment. There have been times where the emotion lingers a bit...like a dream, but it passes, and there have been plenty of times that the tears come out of a song, and thankfully...the song keeps going, the emotion is on the surface, and again I say...as much as I struggled with those emotions and always will in life, because life is an emotional experience...it's better to let them out, then to keep them inside. Some of the best musicians, look quite 'real' wh en they perform...their faces giving away the pain, the love, the joy, the rawness of that experience, all over again....and it's a lil different each time...but it's always beautiful.
http://www.thesixtyone.com/profile/#/JueLResistance/ For New Upload of "EMOTION"

The Naked Angel in My Closet-Suzen JueL

The Bones were the simple words, scratched in pencil across a blank page.

Picking up the guitar awkwardly, so unfamiliar with this instrument I forced myself to love and to become familiar with...whispering out a melody,
afraid the dark would hear me,
hoping to keep silent and secluded...
it was as if I were watching something manifest from these bare lyrical bones,
as I plucked one string at a time, finding a melody, a skin to cover the lyrics with, something of substance, something more...it just would become, like that.
Lyrics seemed empty for too long and the music was like the beautiful chestnut hair that covered the face of what I was beginning to see.
It had a voice...
barely awkward anymore,
the whole beauty of it all came together one little stitch at a time.
Passing in a slow movement,
blending with everything around it, not knowing the identity in which to tie itself to,
it could change with the tip of my eraser,
or the black thick line of my pen,
scratching through it.
It could change simply when I tore the paper in half...as it fell to the ground, it's long legs broken.
I could write it's future,
I could write it's fate,
I could not change it's fate...
I could not even erase it's fate.
What i wrote, was nothing but the truth, as it stood before me,
waiting for me to color it in with the edges of my lips,
the push of my tongue toward the entrance of the world that let the words fall out of me,
as if someone were pouring me forward...fingers scratching on the 6 brass strings,
sliding along it's long and dark wooden neck,
pushing out whatever was inside...
losing it to the surface of the paper
I quickly scratched the surface of,
scratching with my ink, my pencil....
my finger rapidly moving in the dark across my pillow,
just so I could write the words somewhere...visually that is how I would remember them.
On the steering wheel of my car
writing the words
That first leaf that fell from the tree
scared me
it was like a paper bird, thin and burnt red
falling and fluttering
across the window of my car
and the voice that spoke quietly
she was pushed into the mattress
her words forgotten as I dreamt instead
trying to push all those words away
because they sometimes did not stop, the words didn't sleep
nor does the world sleep
only the people inside it do.
Writing in flight like, strayed and pale writing
that no one could understand...this is how I wanted it to be
people staring over my shoulder at what I wrote
my arm covering the words
as if protecting the naked angel before me
from being seen
she wasn't ready yet
the words were too vulnerable
she wasn't loud enough yet
her voice still hushed in the dark, afraid that the very thickness of night
would hear her
whisper.
.........................................
You can't keep naked angels in your closet forever
mine wasn't going to stay hidden forever either
there had to come a time when I would take her by the hand...right?
Lead her to my image, let her identify, teach her to speak
the voice could no longer be pushed
the words became tangible and eyes looked at the words
like they were looking at a naked body exposed before them
it made me shiver...it made me want to hide.
her wings were amazing and worn
she had already been thru the sky
she had already fallen across my window in brilliant blazing red
she had already known that she would be looked at
the same way you stare at what you are not used to seeing with your eyes
the way you listen to what you are not familiar with in your ears
the way you touch someone that you have never been to before
and she was willing...because her arms were wrapped around everyone who came near her
anyone who had been exposed to her.
She was every song that I scratched down on paper napkins and bathroom walls
she was every word I traced on my pillow at night so I would not forget
she was every blackbird that circled around my head as I moved, wings brushing my soul with words
and colors and sound....